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Adventures in Sitting (Note to Student)



Dear Bob:

I am calling you Bob for the purposes of the Internet. And Bob, I have to ask, because this has come up for the third and fourth times today.

I know that you are anxious about getting into college. I know this because yesterday, you submitted three applications in one day, for the same program, and because three weeks ago, you spent an ENTIRE WEEK applying twice every. Single Day.

I understand this. It's annoying as fuck, but I understand it, and I've explained to you why you shouldn't do it, and you seemed to listen. Unfortunately, over these last two weeks, you have acquired a new quirk, and I and the rest of the Admissions department is at a loss to understand it, or why, despite being told not to do this, you continue doing it. And I must ask:

In what English-speaking Universe, exactly, do you imagine would not require you to CAPITALISE YOUR NAME? I mean, HONESTLY. We assume you're going to do two things correctly almost every time, and only two things, because we've come to know you, Bob, and we think we're being generous. We expect you to Spell your name correctly, and format it correctly.

If you don't do these two things, then several things can happen. First, if you spell your name wrong, it gets printed wrong on your address label, on your schedule, on your registration card, and on your Student ID. This inspires you to call us, yell at us, and blame us, until we explain to you, with rapidly disintegrating patience, that WE DO NOT ENTER YOUR NAME, YOU DO, YOU BLITHERING IDIOT.

Second, if you fail to capitalise your name, then when we run the search string on the web server for new, incomplete applications, YOUR APPLICATION WILL NOT BE FOUND. This should be of note to you because one of your other quirks is to start applications, and then logout before submitting them properly, and then panic when you don't get a letter acknowledging them the next day. Let me explain: the search-string, much like us, assumes that you know that this is an English-speaking, Alphabet-using, grammar-loving institution, and that you will not enter your name in all lower-case, in the wrong order, with inappropriate hyphens, pound signs, asterisks, or brackets, or in one long string with no spacing or punctuation.

I will not explain this again. Submit a fifth application of this nature, and I will CUT YOU.

And then I will delete you from the system, never to enroll again. *evil laughter, thundering of heavens*

Sincerely,
The Increasingly Pissed-Off Admissions Assistant

Comments

( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
cocoajava
Mar. 22nd, 2007 05:11 pm (UTC)
You rock. *is so tempted to save this off verbatim for my own use*
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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