"There was this weird sound, and I saw a strange saucer-shaped craft coming towards me, and then there was this bright light and when I woke up I was taking this survey..."
1. Do you take more vitamins than most people?
What? Vitamins? What? Do aliens prefer to abduct the fortified?
2. Do you have sinus trouble or migraine headaches?
No, but I do have monkey trouble.
3. Do you feel you are psychic?
Yes. And also I secretly feel that I'm special or chosen.
4. Do you secretly feel you are special or chosen?
5. Do you secretly fear being accosted or kidnapped if you do not constantly monitor your surroundings?
I don't see how that would help. "Okay, let's grab him and take him away for unspeakable experiments. No, wait, he's monitoring his surroundings!"
6. Do you have trouble sleeping through the night for unexplainable reasons?
No, I think the daily half-gallon of coffee pretty much explains it.
7. Have you seriously considered or did you install a security system for your home even if there was no justification?
I can see it now. Mulder and Scully investigating bizarre reports of people seriously considering installing security systems.
8. Do you have dreams of flying or being outside your body?
Actually, I had dreams of being outside Susan Sarandon's body. And they came true!
9. Do you dream about seeing UFOs, being inside UFOs, or interacting with UFO occupants?
I have this recurring nightmare where it's the day of the big anal probe and I realize I forgot to study and I'm in my underwear and all the fakey-looking aliens are laughing at me...
10. As a child or teenager, was there a special place you secretly believed held a spiritual meaning just for you?
Yes. Sesame Street.
11. As a child or adult, did you ever hear a voice inside your head talking to you which wasn't your own?
That's not aliens, that's the CIA.
12. Did you ever experience a period of time while awake where you could not remember what you had done during that period of time? This missing time may have been a half hour, several hours, a whole day or more. Do not answer "yes" for memory lapses due to highway driving, drinking binges, chronic pain, medical conditions, exhaustion, effects of medication, mind-altering substances, or being lost in reading a good book.
You just ruled out the last eight years of my life.
13. As a child or adult, have you seen faces or beings near you when in bed which were not explainable?
No, I think the sock puppets pretty much explain it.
14. Have you ever seen a UFO?
Yes. "Look," I said. "A flying object! And I can't identify it!"
15. Have you ever seen a UFO up close within short walking or driving distance?
I usually take the Route U1 bus. It goes right by the UFO, and you don't have to worry about parking.
16. If you have seen a UFO up close, were you strongly compelled to walk, drive or stand near it?
I was strongly compelled to carve my initials in it. Somewhere out in space there's a flying saucer engraved with "LFS ROOLZ!"
17. Do you have a waking memory of being inside a UFO or interacting with its occupants?
I did, but then I realized it was just one of those remodeled Denny's.
18. Do you feel fear or anxiety over the subject of aliens or UFOs?
No, but I still have anxiety over that vitamin question.
19. Have you had multiple sightings of UFOs?
Yes, for I have learned the secrets of Male Multiple UFO Sighting.
20. Are you more sensitive to issues affecting the earth, its environment and all life forms than other people?
I recycle, if that's what you mean.
21. Do you have dreams where superior beings, angels, or aliens are educating you about mankind, the universe, global changes or future events?
Well, there was that one dream where Adam West was explaining the rules of cricket...
22. Does your home have unexplainable sounds, apparitions, or unusual events which are attributed to ghosts?
No, it has unexplainable sounds, apparitions, and unusual events which are attributed to plumbing.
23. As a child or adult, have you had nosebleeds or found blood stains on your pillow for unexplainable reasons?
"Mulder, it's a nosebleed. A child's nosebleed." "No, it's more than that. Can't you see? It's an unexplainable nosebleed!"
24. Have x-rays or other procedures revealed unexplainable foreign objects lodged in your body?
"A complete set of Graceland shot glasses? Gosh, doctor, I don't know how those got up there."
25. Have you awakened to discover unexplainable marks or bruises on your body?
No, I think the Victorian-era masturbation prevention device pretty much explains it.
26. Your age
What does that have to do with it? Do aliens have a children's menu?
27. Your gender
Yes, please! Oh, wait, that doesn't work.
28. Your ethnicity