Chandri MacLeod (chandri) wrote,
Chandri MacLeod

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Cool things I could have said to the soul-devouring Liberal pawn.

Know how when you're talking to someone you dislike, and you try to tell them off, but you just end up looking stupid and later, the best comeback ever comes quietly and helpfully into your head, much too late to be useful?

Well! Yeah. That would be me. So. Below is a list of Cool Things I Could Have Said to the Soul-Devouring Capitalist Liberal Pawn, But Did Not.

Eight Cool Things I Could Have Said to the Soul-Devouring Capitalist Liberal Pawn, But Did Not

1. Come to the door with a list of Liberal failures, broken campaign promises, and general fuckups that have inconvenienced me financially, irreprably damaged friends/family/fond acquaintances of mine medically/politically/otherwise, endangered my future, and just generally pissed me off, and read them to her in a cheerful yet bitingly sarcastic voice, smiling brightly and wearing a fairy crown.

2. Pretended not to hear the knock at the door, and remained watching cartoons.

3. Treated she and her lackies to a performance of the I'm-In-Debt-Go-Away-Now Choir, to the tune of I Am The Very Model of a Modern Major General, in full pirate garb.

4. Invited her in, offered her tea, and explained, with pictures, every single exquisite detail of my perfect vision of a world government, including the incineration of the global oil supply, the forcible isolation of the southern United States, and the complete elimination of her job. On average this explanation has taken about four hours. But hell, she's a politician. She OWES me. *maniacal laughter*

5. Told her I write sci-fi/fantasy, then stared at her ominously until she went away (don't laugh - that worked twice during the Federal election; I think canvassers are scared of geeks).

6. Taken the dealing-with-Jehovas-Witnesses route and told her I worship Satan/some unpronouncable ancient Celtic god, then started singing Ranking Family songs in Gaelic until they backed away smiling and nodding.

7. Introduced her to my parents. Word would spread and they would never, ever bother me again. They hardly ever bother Mum and Dad anymore.

8. My favourite: something along the following lines, in a good-natured, slightly amused, slightly more contemptuous voice: "Huh. Heh. Look. Let me stop you right there. I'm not a little kid who's never voted before. I in fact have voted before, in three different elections. I am twenty-two years old. (Here, possibly sneak in a subtle boast about my education and sociological genius and how smart and special I am.) I am in my fifth year of post-secondary education. And I have had opinions - real, live, reasonable, rational, arguable, largely socialist, well-thought-out and consciously-arrived-at political opinions, since I was about fourteen. So. Um. I appreciate your coming by, and I respect your, um... enthusiasm, but I'm not going to vote for you. Not ever. So. Um. Bye!"

Alternately, I could have *not* answered the door in a dressing gown. *facepalm*

In the future, I will get a *damn* good look at the person outside the peephole before I open the door. And I will brush my hair first. If they want anything important, they will damn well *wait*.

Stupid condescending Liberals. I wanted to fling open the door and yell my IQ down the hall after them. I'm unabashedly elitist, but at least *my* elitism is intellectually-based, not financially.

And her hair was stupid. >.<

EDIT: I drew a moustache and horns on the pamphlet she left me. I feel better now.


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