Chandri MacLeod (chandri) wrote,
Chandri MacLeod
chandri

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So around eight, I had this epiphany - I figured out why I feel the way I do about all this. Maybe it was more of a revelation... but I realised the reasons behind it.

One more time where Subreality serves as a core reason behind something intrinsically good. I should bake Kielle some cookies or something... I realised that, wherever and however and whoever he is now, he's happy. I always believed that when you die, you go where you most believe you should be. Somewhere your dreams come true. I really, really do believe that. I believe it's true for everyone. Even me. Even people who don't believe in it themselves. It may very well be my one and only definite, positive belief.

He's probably Saving Damsels and Righting Great Wrongs as we speak. I can just imagine... which is why I'm writing a story for him... it's also why I now have this sort of floaty, happy, peaceful feeling about it all. Before it was at least bare certainty and frustration at everyone else's anxiety and unhappiness. I guess I've always reacted to the emotions of others a great deal, maybe even more than my own. That's one thing Shan does get. It's a kind of unintentional empathy. But anyway, it's all gone now. No more frustration, no more annoyance, no more indignity at them being angry at me. I get it now.

They're upset, as most people become, because they don't have him anymore. It's not that he's gone and they won't see him again - that happens every day on lower levels of living. It's not the separation, it's the knowing he's not coming back. It's sort of selfish on a subconscious level, but as it's subconscious... well. It's a kind of self-defense response. I don't have it, or at least I've tamed it a little. Transmogrification, you might say. Is that a word?

All right, so yes, I'm not usually a big fan of happy-floaty. I don't deal with it well; funny reactions I get, like some people and dairy products. :P But it's okay in small doses, I suppose. It's certainly doing all right by me right now.

Something I understood this afternoon, talking with Rissa, is that a lot of people get so upset over this kind of thing that they forget what they believe. They all, one and all, have beliefs that say death's not necessarily a sad thing, that it means the person gets to go somewhere happy. As do I - though they're a little different and a good deal more liberal than theirs. But I suppose grief throws that off a bit; makes people doubt when it should really strengthen their faith.

And why isn't mine shaken? I guess I know better. Or maybe I'm just more stubborn than the rest of them. But I do know that I don't really feel sad anymore - a bit wistful, sure. I'm sorry I won't see him again. But it isn't like he's really gone forever - and wherever he is, he's happy. I guess I knew that all along.

And the realisation just left me feeling so *happy*! (Is that bad? I feel as if it ought to be... :P) I'll give them this much - faith does make you stronger. Just not their faith, for me. I think I get it now. You just have to sort of hold on with both hands, no matter what tries to pry you away.

I have this awful feeling, though, that things will just keep trying. I'm still upset about this summer - but at least now I can weather this storm without maiming/killing/yelling at my friends any more. Let 'em deal how they wish. But I'm sticking by *my* ways - they're the only ways that are any good to me.

Is it bad that I feel like dancing? :)
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