Chandri MacLeod (chandri) wrote,
Chandri MacLeod

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I think I'm getting sick...

I was in this nasty mood last night. One of those ones where a normal person would just have a crying fit and get it over with - but since it was *me*, it was really more of a wanting-to-hit-things, wanting-to-yell-at-someone-who-isn't-there kind of moods. Eventually I *did* hit things, namely, the road. I went for a run until I'd tired myself out. And then I was practically having an asthma attack from not pacing myself, because I was *trying* to tire myself out and suceeded.

Every so often, I think of something that I would have gone to Keith over... or rather, something he would have nagged me about until I was forced to talk to him about, like he used to. I don't think the rest of them ever knew that - that we talked, sometimes. I was always sort of distanced talk - not the kind of in-depth, hug-and-make-it-better talks that the rest of them seem to expect from each other, but more the kind of "hypothetically, if..." kind of talks. He was the only level-headed one of us, including me. Everyone else always got so quickly alarmed at me, and he didn't. I liked that. I miss that.

So when I think of something I'd have talked to him about, even if it's something small, I get these moods. Usually I can be distracted from them pretty easily. I guess because I want to be. It was easy enough at home, because everyone else was finished with their own "dealing" and were distracting themselves. But last night, it wasn't something small - I don't even know what set it off. I just so suddenly felt like shit, and I couldn't shake it off.

On Halloween, I talked to him. I don't know if I thought it would do any good. I felt so cut off this Halloween - the town was practically dead, barring the drunken students wandering both campus and mainstreet. That was depressing. Really.

I am such an idiot.

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