Chandri MacLeod (chandri) wrote,
Chandri MacLeod

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What's wrong with me?

Damnit. I don't know what it is. But I feel nothing.
Absolutely nothing. I don't feel angry, I don't feel scared, I don't feel sad.

I *should* feel angry. I *should* feel scared. Sad's another thing. I'm usually *sad*. But not like that. I don't know what it is. What's wrong with me? Why can I not summon up any emotion at all over this?

Oh, it's not like I'm wondering why I don't cry - I just don't *do* that. I didn't even cry when Keith died - and that fact got me an awful lot of unwelcome comments from other close friends who wanted to know what kind of awful person wouldn't even cry when one of their best friends dies out of the blue. You can't just say "I don't cry" to people, even your friends, and expect them to accept it as an explanation, even if it's true. Well, I didn't know then, though I did offer them one possible explanation - that my philosophy towards death was different than theirs. But that doesn't explain how I didn't even feel anything - not sadness, not grief, not loss. Nothing at all. Just like now.

What *is* wrong with me? N said a lot of things about me then - things like I'm dead inside, things like I'm unfeeling and cold. She also said I was insensitive for not understanding how they felt.

Well; I never said I didn't understand how they felt. I *did*. I just didn't identify with it. I didn't *feel* like crying or being sad. I felt anger, indignity, and even reproach when they all started yelling at me and accusing me. *That* was probably why they said I was being insensitive and cold, I guess. Because I was reacting to them. But I wasn't reacting to the situation. Not at all.

I don't know; maybe she was right. Maybe I am unfeeling. Maybe I'm just screwed up - maybe that's why I can't even summon up any emotion over this.

Well - that's not true. I'm worried for all the friends of mine I know will be sent to war over this if it comes to war. I've been fretting about Matt ever since it happened, and Shai. I've been jumping every time the phone started blinking messages at me. Nothing's happened yet, though. I'm even worried for myself. I'm not sure, but I *think* Canada still has a wartime draft. Thanks a lot, women's lib.

Is it really selfish of me, really egocentric, that I can only think of how this might affect me? I *know* that hundreds of thousands of people have been killed. I know that's horrible. I know that thousands of families have lost people. It's a terrible, world-shaking, universe-altering thing that will have horrible repercussions all over the world. I know all this. But it's just not striking any chords inside me that might set off an emotional reaction. Why not?

A long time ago, the first time I lost someone, I didn't cry, either. I wasn't all that old, all that mature, then, either. I felt sick for a long time, constantly. I felt numb. I didn't know what to feel. (When Keith died I couldn't figure out why that death had affected me more than his - I felt bad about it, like I was playing favourites.) Sick is probably a good description. I didn't feel angry or sad when I saw the first footage of the trade centre collapsing - I was shocked, sure. But that's not the same thing. Maybe I just go so automatically to numb these days that there's no chance for anything else to get in. That can't be a good thing.

So what is it? I keep hearing stories about Arab students being beaten at North American Universities, and other stories about "ordinary citizens" starting up hate movements. Talking to Brad last night, he told me that some Christian groups are using this event as a recruitment tactic - slogans like "We saw it coming" are popping up on posters all over the place. It made me sick. And that's anger, but just the same zealotry anger I usually have in some form, the kind that flares up every time I encounter racism, or stupid kids using "fag" as a buzz-word, or people likening witchcraft to devil-worship. It isn't the same thing. Why can I get so angry over that stuff, but not over this?

I have reading to do.

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