Chandri MacLeod (chandri) wrote,
Chandri MacLeod

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Damn; I'm going to have to password-protect my computer again. I'm getting damned tired of Shannon only coming here to use my computer to cyber with thirty-year-old men over ICQ (on MY ICQ!) she then goes and lives with in Vancouver. I think I'm going to be sick. *shuddercringe*

[[Subject Three-Sixty]]

I did something really stupid and sappy tonight - rather, this morning. I drove by my old school and the houses of some friends I haven't seen since elementary school.

Then I drove to Hammond Stadium and sat outside the score-keeper's tower, where we (used to have the Midnight Picnics.)

I almost - *I* almost! - got all weepy. My version, anyway - I don't really cry anymore. Not for a long time, anyway, not around people. I went by Maple Ridge Park and the tennis-courts too. That was a mistake. *sigh* I don't know if it was so much grief as nostalgia - but I had this awful feeling of separation and loss... nothing so dramatic, actually, but... you know.

It was more than just them, though. I know that. It dawned on me tonight, inside, that I'll soon, so soon, be leaving all this stuff forever. (Funny, that - I knew it months ago but it didn't hit me, really, 'til tonight. Like I'm feeling things in reverse.) I mean sure, I'll come back, but it will never be quite the same. I don't know if there will ever be another Midnight Picnic, or any more clandestine nighttime visits by the Camp folks. I'll miss them, strangely enough. The latter I'll be taking with me though, in a way. That won't go away just because I move. Things will just be re-arranged around me. I know that - it's ironic that it's in this that I'm too important to lose. Of all things.

But the other thing - I don't know if there will ever be any more Midnight Picnics, anymore Tim Horton's 'til three in the morning, any more waltzing with milk jugs to classic jazz music in the lobby of Save-On Foods. I don't know if the others will want to. It's almost like they're putting those things aside, now, because they think (at least, some of them think) they're becoming too old for such things - becoming - (BULLshit, if you ask me... *scowl*) or because they think we should lay such things down in respect for Keith.

Again, bullshit. What a stupid thing to say. Why, why, WHY in hell would they think that's appropriate, that he would approve of such a thing? The others probably saw him more than I did, spoke to him more times, but those things were casual. Nothing between Keith and I, I think, was ever casual. *He* wasn't casual. We only ever said what was needed. None of that fluffy social stuff. We understood each other. I said it before, that I think Keith was more like me than any of my other friends - and it's still true. I KNOW, absolutely and definitely, that he wouldn't have wanted this. But they won't listen to me. They rarely do.

The fact that all these things are suddenly past tense depresses me. And I don't know if there will ever be more. I doubt it. But I hope so.

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